Back to Black
by hmcfanaddict
Summary: Gillian is forced to deal with a painful memory from her past.
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last story. I really appreciate it. After not writing for so long it was hard to put something out there again. Anyways, I kind of didn't want to write this story, but it wouldn't leave me alone. So, I had to get it out someway. Not sure where it's going to lead, but I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lie to Me.  
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**_Pain. The white hot heat of it ripping through her abdomen. Her limbs felt like lead. Her head swam. The booming music from downstairs shook the floor she was lying on. It had drowned out her screams as well. She could hear loud voices arguing. Unable to move, all she could do was listen to them and suddenly she could hear his voice above them all. The sound of it disgusted her. His words from earlier burning into her brain. _

_As she lay there the voices seemed to untangle from each other and it was as if she could hear each one as it chimed into the dreadful cacophony of the party. Moving and dancing around each other. She wondered why they seemed so clear. Was she dying? Was she about to have some weird out of body experience? No, she was still in agonizing pain. Her body ached from her injuries, but the sound of the voices seemed to be adding to the assault. _

_A new voice entered the mix, demanding attention. Wait. She knew this voice. Scuffling and yelling and then suddenly hands were on her, grabbing at her. Oh god, it's happening again…_

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Gillian shot up in bed, screaming at her dream assailant. Realizing that she was lying in her own bed, alone, she leaned against the pillows trying to catch her breath. She was drenched with sweat and her heart was pounding. The sheets and comforter weighing down on her felt oppressing, so she tore them off and staggered to the bathroom. With the flip of the switch the room was flooded with light. She reached the sink and quickly turned on the faucet to splash cold water on her face; trying to shock herself back to reality.

It had been years since she had had this dream. Years since the blackness that she had pushed deep down inside of herself had threatened to spill out and ruin everything she had worked so hard to achieve. Why was it back now?

Grabbing a towel, she sank down on the cold floor of her bathroom. She couldn't deal with this now. She had to get up for work in the morning. She had meetings and paperwork to deal with. She had Cal to keep in line. Taking deep breaths she fought to control her emotions, to calm herself down. She'd take a few minutes and then head back to bed for a few more hours. After all, it was only a nightmare.

Three hours later it was the sound of her alarm clock that finally caused her to leave her huddled position on the bathroom floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter. Hope you continue to enjoy the story!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Lie to Me  
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_The hands were grabbing at her, pulling her forward. She couldn't let this happen. _

"_No! No, please!" Her voice came out strangled, half caught in her throat. The sound of it seemed foreign to her, like it came from someone else._

"_Gill! Gill. It's me. It's ok. It's me, John."_

_At the sound of his voice she opened her eyes, trying to find his face in the darkness._

"_John? Oh my god, John." She collapsed in his arms. Painful sobs forced their way through her body. She clung to his shirt; taking in his familiar smell, the sound of his breathing, his heartbeat. She desperately wanted to wrap herself up in him and escape from the dark bedroom and the chaos of the party below._

"_It's ok, Gill. It's ok. I'm here. No one's going to hurt you anymore."_

_/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/_

"Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am. Your coffee order."

The sound of the barista's voice brought Gillian out of her reverie.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." She quickly apologized as she reached out to take the cup from the young man. She didn't recognize him and from the exasperated look on his face she decided it was probably his first day. The morning rush had to be brutal and her lack of response probably hadn't helped relieve his stress.

Now on her way to work, she was still a little out of it. Her nightmare had managed to keep her up for the rest of the night and the day seemed to be shaping up to be one of those days she wished she could skip over. She grabbed a few packs of sugar to put into her coffee. She knew she probably shouldn't use as many as she did, but she definitely needed the boost of caffeine AND sugar. Especially on a day like today. She smiled to herself, imagining the look on Cal's face if he saw how many sugars she was currently adding to her coffee. He'd probably make some silly comment. Something like…

"You aiming for a sugar coma there?"

The last packet of sugar didn't make it anywhere near her cup of coffee.

"Oh my god."

"Oh wow. You kinda missed the cup there. I didn't mean to startle you."

Gillian slowly turned towards the source of the voice.

"John?"

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"John?"

"Hi, Gill. It's been awhile, hasn't it?" John chuckled at the look of pure shock on Gillian's face.

"I just…how are you…what?" Gillian couldn't seem to form a complete sentence. Standing before her was one of her closest friends from her childhood. A time she'd spent nearly her entire adult life trying to forget. He looked the same, the same carefree glint in his eyes, the same endearing little half smile and the same tousled hair. God, he even smelled the same.

Seeming to sense her difficulty at gathering her thoughts, John spoke again. "I must say, I still enjoy rendering you speechless. It doesn't happen often. Makes me feel powerful."

"John. What in the world are you doing here? I mean, not that I'm not glad to see you, but it's been, what? Ten years since I last saw you?"

John smiled. "Yeah, that's about right. It was your wedding to that jerk. What was his name? Alan? Alex? Something like that?

"Alec." Gillian smirked. The look of contempt on John's face hadn't been concealed at all.

"Alec. Hmm. That's right." John let the man's name drop from his mouth as if it disgusted him to say it. Gillian watched as his entire body seemed to tense and anger flared in his eyes. She thought it best to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"You know, I never knew how you found out about the wedding. Your invitation was returned to me. I couldn't ever find your current address."

The anger on John's face was replaced by playfulness. "It's not every day that the love of your life gets married to another man. Alarm bells were ringing in my subconscious." He grinned as he watched the blush that crept over Gillian's face. "Seriously, though, I ran into Richard when I was visiting my mom. He told me."

"Oh." Gillian quickly turned back to pick up her coffee cup. John didn't miss how her face visibly paled. He mentally kicked himself.

"Gill, are you ok? I thought you and your dad worked things out? He told me you've been talking again." John was afraid he'd said something he shouldn't. He hadn't wanted to start his visit off on the wrong foot.

Gillian pushed pass John to exit the coffee shop without answering his question. John quickly turned to follow her.

"Gill! Gill, wait!" He grabbed her arm to stop her and winced as she visibly flinched at the contact. "Look Gill. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Since when were you so buddy-buddy with my father?" Gillian spun around to face him.

"I'm not. God, Gill. I'm not. You know my mom is getting older. I don't like her being alone, so I drop by more now. Our parents do still live next door to each other and he helps her out some when I'm not there. I see him sometimes. You're about the only thing we have in common."

Gillian scoffed. "Oh, so you stand around talking about me over the fence? That's just great. That's good to know." She tried to wrestle her arm out of his grip.

"Why are you being like this? Of course not. You know it's not like that." John pled with her to understand.

Gillian looked up at him. Something about him had changed. There was an urgency in his eyes that she'd never seen there before. She sighed. "I know. I'm sorry for overreacting. It's just…I didn't sleep well last night. I'm probably just tired and emotional from seeing you."

"Look. I was actually planning on dropping in on you at work and inviting you to lunch, but seeing as I've got you here now; would you do me the pleasure of joining me for lunch?" He released her arm; assured that she wasn't going to make a run for it.

A part of Gillian wanted to decline his offer. A cold weight had settled into her stomach ever since she'd woken up from her nightmare. It seemed to be spreading now. How was it possible that she had had that nightmare again and then John had shown up out of nowhere to take her out to lunch? None of this made any sense. Somehow, despite something inside screaming not to, she heard herself agree to meet him.

"Sure, I'll meet you down in the lobby?" She glanced towards the entrance of the building across the street.

John followed her eyes and then turned back to her with a huge grin on his face. "Sounds great? Noon?"

"Perfect," she agreed. "I'll see you then."

/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/'/

_John was carrying her downstairs. Every step he took hurt her and she wasn't able to completely get her crying under control. Everything seemed to be spinning. Thankfully no one in the living room was paying attention to them and they were able to slip into the kitchen without anyone noticing. _

"_Jake! Jake! I need to you drive us to the hospital!" John was yelling at his older friend that had driven them to the party._

"_Shit man! What happened to her?" Gillian could hear Jake's voice coming closer. She suddenly felt vulnerable; naked under his gaze._

"_No, John, no. I don't want to go to the hospital. Just take me home. Please just take me home." Gillian could feel herself begin to sob again. She just wanted to get away from everyone. Away from their eyes, their voices, their smell. _

_John turned his head to whisper in her ear. "Gill, you need to go the hospital. He hurt you. He was…"_

"_No!" Gillian cut him off. "No! They'll have to call my dad. Just take me home, please. I can sneak in without him knowing. Please. I don't want him to know. He'll kill me."_

"_Gill."_

"_No!"_

_Jake grabbed his keys. "You heard the girl, John. She wants to go home. Let's get her out of here."_

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_**A/N: Sorry it's been so long! Classes have been kicking my butt! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint! Please review!**_  
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